There are some times where you’re forced to grow. For me, I guess, that was today, having a conversation with Ms. Girl about no longer seeing each other. See, I’ve never been the one to initiate tough conversations, especially not breakup ones. I don’t want to disappoint anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings or look like the bad guy. I’m really bad at talking, too, which complicates things. None of my words come out right. In some sense, I’m a coward. In some different sense, I’m also a coward.
But y’know, I’ve lived enough of my life coasting on “just good enough” and being unhappy for it. And that doesn’t mean this person was lacking or tarnished or whatever, people are people. It just means that for me, I need something different. And I guess it’s the attunement to this need and the knowledge of my default behaviors that let me make a different, harder choice this time. In the not-so-distant past, I could make peace with anyone as long as they filled the gaps in my calendar and in my bed and all that. I would be unhappy, longing for something more fulfilling, but it’s better to be unsatisfied and together with someone than to be unsatisfied alone. But that’s just not the case, I guess. Everyone knows that.
The conversation went well enough once we got past the initial shock. I think we’ll stay friends, at least I hope we do. She’s a great hang.
But, y’know, yeah. I initiated a tough conversation, based around my own needs, and didn’t pussy out because I didn’t want to hurt anyone or look bad. I followed through because I know that’s what is going to make me happiest. That’s a big W.
jeez, louise 