So, I moved out of state for a job. It’s my first time moving somewhere I have no connection to, no friends or acquaintances or memories of going there as a kid. It’s, well, it’s not my favorite.
I moved in last Friday – drove up however many hours with the cats in the backseat yammering and howling at every single bump in the road, was stuck in traffic for what felt like decades of my life, and arrived at my new home more frustrated than excited. My friends showed up a couple hours later with the rest of my stuff, we unpacked and then got to exploring the city and shopping for all the things I lack as an adult man (see: electric toothbrush, see: tree lamp, see: water filter).
It was a really good weekend, partially due to the novelty of getting to eat new food and drive down new roads, but also because there was this understanding, looming like overcast skies, that this will conceivably be the last hurrah for us as a group. Certainly, we’ll see each other again, at weddings or impromptu weekend visits or trips on school breaks, but this weekend was the endcap on that continuous type of connection, where you know who you’ll see every day.
I’m on day three of work, training mostly. I like a lot of the people I work with, but I’m also not really interested in being friends with them. Maybe that’s just my nature, I’ve always been prone to separation. But also I think part of it is I don’t want to have new friends? As weird as it is to say, it feels like they would be rebound friends. I liked my friends and getting new ones seems like it would make them lesser, either in presence or in connection or whatever. I’m content right now to be congenial throughout the day and then retreat home to the cats and the couch.
Along with this is my continuing aversion to romance. I still have nightmares about my ex, it’s been four days in a row at this point. I guess I really can’t call them nightmares, they’re not scary, just emotionally charged. And it makes me think that while consciously I’m doing okay, my subconscious is still getting hammered by her. Strange indeed.
The job itself seems fine, the pay is great, it’s free housing, I get tons of benefits. I don’t like the city, though, not yet. It feels inorganic. I mean it’s a historic city, but the things close to me are like, gauchely placed (what I mean by this is, you can tell that they’re trying to create a community feel, but the attempt to create it makes the whole thing ring insincere), and everything else is fifteen minutes away by highway. The latter part reminds me of Birmingham. Of course, I haven’t explored enough, found the places I want to spend my time away from home, but right now, I just don’t have the urge. I’m sure that’ll come when I’m more settled, both physically and mentally.
So that’s it. I haven’t been writing, I know, but lots of stuff has been happening. I’ve got lots more I wanted to write, but it’s a rough month work wise. Ttyl.
jeez, louise 