It is currently 4:18 a.m. on Sunday, June 1st and I cannot sleep. I laid down around 1:00, tossed for like two hours, and then decided to change venues, struggled for one more hour, and then gave up on the whole project. So, might as well write and tire out the brain a little bit.
I have to be up at 7:30 a.m. to open the parking garage gates to my building for a camp that’s staying here and then the Formula 1 race starts at 8:00 (I’ve gotten really into Formula 1 this year, it’s been great, haven’t missed an event). That means the earliest I can try to catch up on sleep will be roughly 10:00 a.m., which is only five and a half hours away, so that’s not too bad.
I’ve been going on dates recently. They’ve been terrible.
The first was with a girl I tangentially know, very nice, I’d seen her around a lot, but we’ve never talked. We took her old dog on a walk (he uses a stroller) and then went to a bar and had one (1) drink. This is important information. After that, she wanted to smoke, so we went to her place and did that and then went to mine to play Mario Kart and watch a movie. We got about three races in before she went completely pale and said she felt dizzy. She then stood up, fast walked towards my bathroom, and threw up in my hallway. A lot. That’s fine, that’s okay. So, she goes and sits next to the toilet while I clean everything up and then she apologizes a bunch and then we watch Nathan For You while she drinks water. We did this for like 30 minutes, then she wanted to go up to the roof and get fresh air and lay in the chairs. By this point, the mood had shifted considerably from those kind of first date nerves where you’re very focused on making a good impression to this kind of stagnant, neutered vibe where we were both just waiting for the night to end. Which, y’know, fair play, given the circumstances.
She was an okay hang, if not a little dry conversationally. I don’t think we’ll see each other again, on account of the whole vomiting thing. She said she’d like to, but if the positions were swapped and I had thrown up in her apartment within two hours of meeting her, I would block her number and pretend it was a fever dream. So, dates, 0/1.
Next one was an impromptu girl coming over because she knew I lived close to downtown. We had texted for maybe four hours and then boom, she’s in my apartment. And boy oh boy were her photos misleading. So, immediately, I’m looking for my outs – I’m on the other end of the couch being as sexless and boring as possible. Then I get the bright idea “Shit, I’m on call!”, so I have my good pal Jerry call the duty phone, pretending to be a student who had locked themselves out on the other side of campus. It’s foolproof.
Nah, she asked if she could come with, and I said no, because it was a fake excuse, and told her to wait. So I drove around for a bit, on the phone with Jerry laughing about how fucked up everything is, and then went back. I sat there for like five minutes before I started doing my patented, very obviously fake yawns. She wasn’t taking the hint. Luckily, by the grace of God, a real call came through on the duty phone for another lockout, and I used that as a segue to get her gone. She then started asking if she could sleep over, even if it’s on the couch, and when I said no, she started crying. Mind you, we have not even made a hint of physical contact, and I was doing my best to avoid eye contact as well.
So like 10 minutes later, she finally leaves and all is well.
That’s two dates, zero physical contact, zero interest in a second encounter from my end. I then reflect upon these two experiences and think to myself “Y’know, maybe it’s more romantic to just never date again and sit by a lake and feed ducks and talk about the one who got away”. I think that’s fulfilling in its own regard.
Speaking of, half the reason I’m even trying to do all this stuff is because my ex is probably dating someone else and I’m being spiteful. I can do it, too! I don’t care at all!
Unfortunately for me, I’m all too cognizant of this being my way of immaturely retaliating to perceived rejection and/or bids for attention, so the phase is already over. It was a good couple weeks, though, if only for the stories.
What else, I didn’t get the Auburn job. I didn’t particularly want it for a bunch of reasons, but it would have been nice to have some post-summer security. Apparently, I didn’t get it because I’m too good of friends with the current batch of GAs, but in my opinion, that’s a better position to be in than the current one, which is mutual disrespect going between both sides. Oh well, things go how they should and I should probably move on with my life, both emotionally and geographically.
I’ve been applying places like crazy, I have an interview with UMich on Monday and should have one with North Carolina State the week after. My goal is to do at least two or three apps a day. I think I’ve done like, eight so far, so not great, but next week is a big focus week for that.
If I don’t have a job by the end of summer, I will kill myself on general principle. Scout’s honor.
Uhh, anything else? I’m still sad. I’m very anxious when I can’t sleep. I feel like a weight has been lifted re: the Auburn situation. Dating is hard in this city. I want to hurry up and move away, if only for the change in scenery. Things are looking up! And down! But they’re looking, and that’s an improvement!
It’s now 5:58 a.m. and I’m no closer to sleep. That’s all for me, though, happy June, happy night.
Also who is reading all of my posts no one has this
jeez, louise 