I am bored at work and don’t have anything emotional or philosophical to wax poorly about on the internet. Well, I mean, I do, but there comes a point where there’s really no point in rehashing similar feelings or thoughts. It doesn’t make for good or interesting reading. I suppose reading about my life isn’t particularly compelling either, especially in lieu of themes or a narrative, but whatever. I have to fill 40 hours a week, and this is a decent way to kill at least an hour.
Since I last wrote on here, I finished grad school. That’s a mixed bag. For the event itself, it was stupendously boring. I’ve never really been one to have big emotional reactions to life events like that and this was no different – I don’t really feel like it was an accomplishment. It wasn’t hard, the school part, at least. The only difficulty came with having to somehow find the time between breakdowns to write a shitty paper about pedagogy or policy proposals. I mean, my program basically exploded last year and never recovered. My professor, of which we had one in the entire department, ended up using ChatGPT to grade half of the assignments, the other half he didn’t even grade and just rubberstamped us through to the degree. Which, you know what, fine, I guess the piece of paper was the only point of this in the first place. I am slightly bitter, though. I would have liked to learn something slightly more interesting over these past two years.
I didn’t care for my parents visiting for it, either. I don’t mind going to them, but that’s because I always have the option to leave. When they were here, whew, talk about trapped. I just can’t really handle the Lisa show for an extended period of time. It was fine, though.
The worst thing about graduating is that my two-year vacation has come to an end. If nothing else, grad school did give me a little break from real life. It was an easy way to make friends, I had little responsibilities and tons of time, free rent, whatever. I could go to sleep at 2am and not really worry about it, I could go to the park or start drinking at noon, I really did not have shit to do. And it was nice, ignoring the mental damage that having such low standards for your time does to you. Now, I guess I’m in a similar position still, but I have to go to sleep at reasonable hours and I can’t really justify the life of a bohemian layabout anymore.
Uhh, what else. I got more tattoos, I’m up to nine now. I finally got one with color I’m kind of iffy about, but I don’t really have to look at it if I don’t want to, so that’s fine. I got the other one on my thigh and I love that one a lot, it’s got a good bit of emotional meaning which I tend to avoid, but oh well. I’ve got a general outline for how I want to finish the rest of my arm, money willing. But yeah, I like tattoos, I still only get them when I’m distressed, but is that really such a bad thing? I was kind of beating myself up for being so self-pitying that I needed to lay on a table for close to five hours getting stabbed, but now, I’m learning to accept that there are just parts of myself that don’t really need to change, they just need to be put under the microscope less. It’s not a toxic behavior, it’s not cruel or mean or destructive, so what’s the point of thinking so hard about it? Sure, it’s permanent ink, but it’ll be nice to look back in twenty years and remember the places I was in emotionally when I got all these.
Speaking of body stuff, I’m going to the gym again. Not for the best reasons. When I was getting my tattoo on my shoulder blade, a friend was there helping me with placement, and the visceral reaction I had to being shirtless in a mirror, having to actually analyze where this thing would look best on my back, I was really grossed out. There’s no definition back there, just freckles and pimples and small pockets of fat that I certainly didn’t use to have. But I’m 163 pounds right now, a little shy of my all-time highest. So, gym again, so my body isn’t so awful to look at in a mirror. But I’m also kind of happy to be doing it again, it’s something that’s purposeful.
Job search kind of continues, I don’t know, I’m in limbo with it. The rest of today will be spent on that, I guess.
That’s generally it. I’m going to go see my sister this weekend, I gotta go grocery shopping, I need to buy some clothes for the summer. I’ve got a whole gym and pool to myself this summer, no one is ever in the office with me, and I’ve got a pretty hefty backlog of books and movies and albums. It’ll be a good last summer here, I think.
jeez, louise 