jeez, louise

I couldn’t think of how to title this, or really what I’m talking about.

Well, that’s not true. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that tomorrow I am going to cut things off with my ex.

I thought I was ready for that, I’ve been feeling ready for the past few weeks. Or at least, leaning ready. But I’m not. I feel kind of queasy, it’s a tough thing to digest. It’s very easy to think of it in the abstract, as kind of a present lack-of. Like the moment to moment, it’s very easy to conceive of and feel at peace about. But I suppose when the finality (or perception of such) becomes apparent, when you take the entirety of your life and lack-of someone in it, it’s a lot scarier. It’s a lot more staring-off-the-side-of-a-cliff.

And it’s not like it’s not mutual, I don’t think. She’s got her own journey and healing process and all that and at this point, I do feel like my lack of buy-in or commitment to the endeavor is hampering that. I do wish I could, but I can’t.

See, as much as I like to claim that I’m the opposite, I am an idealist. I wish things were different all the time. I live in these worlds where there are neat solutions, that things can be better, that I can be better. Forever I measure myself against this water level of what my expectations are and forever everything comes up short. And this is not a fault with the world nor anyone in it, nor is it really a fault of mine, though I used to torture myself with thinking that everything constantly failed to find my ideal.

And unfortunately, I have learned a bit about these expectations of who I should be, of what I want my life to be, not to bludgeon myself too severely with the bat of non-alignment. Things are as they are and at some point, despite my greatest recoils against it, I have to accept that.

In Ideal Ryan World (IRW), I could move past all of this. In IRW, I’m able to control my feelings on this situation, look rationally at the fact that things are technically in a much better space for her and I potential-wise, that she made a mistake but is doing her best to fix it. In IRW, reconciliation would only strengthen the relationship, lead to the future that we once had between us. But IRW is just a place to go when reality fails to meet my expectations.

In reality, I can’t get over it. I can’t think of her the same way, I can’t love her the same way. The things I used to pass over are now things I stick on – I feel hyper-critical of her, I feel anxious when she’s around. And the thing I feel most, the feeling I absolutely know I cannot get over anytime soon, is that she put us in this position. She ruined it. And I am so, so bitter that she did. I look at the potential now, after this break-up, after the growth, and I know that it was all possible when we were together. Sure, it came about from a breakup, but that doesn’t mean that’s the only possible catalyst. We had the potential to grow and be great, and she ruined that. And I just cannot forgive it. I forgive the cheating, I forgive the lying, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive the nature that led to those things.

I do not hate her. I do not wish ill on her. I hope this therapist she’s seeing is fantastic and she continues seeing them. I hope she can be happy. But right now, for me, I am not in a position to be part of that. I cannot commit, despite how much I wish I could. I cannot feel the things I used to right now.

I don’t think I’ll ever be at peace with this decision. But I’ve never been at peace anyways, despite my best efforts. At some point in my life, I will have to make a tough decision that I don’t necessarily want to make. It feels like that when I do, I’ll grow a lot. It’s always been something I’ve been remiss to do, but I can’t live my life coasting on the inertia of other people’s expectations. Gotta be an individual at some point.