I’ve got lots of schoolwork to do that I just don’t care to do. I also don’t really care to do this, either, but if I have to write something, this is definitely the less annoying option. I haven’t really been in a writing mood recently – one reason is because some random freak followed my blog out of nowhere and so I emailed them and was like “sup, who are you” and he was all cagey and wouldn’t say and just wanted the password to the recent posts. I gave it to them because who cares, but then I went digging into whoever this dude is. I don’t think he’s real. There’s lots of shit in his name (brother is addicted to porn as seen by his reddit history), but idk, doesn’t seem real. He said he saw a friend at a bar reading it and wanted to also, but apparently this guy is in like North Dakota, so I don’t think that’s it. Whatever, it’s not like there’s anything deeply incriminating or personal on here.
I’ve been hanging out with friends a lot lately, which has been a blast. Sitting out at the TCBY and getting day drunk and being forced to watch scary movies, I dunno, it’s been really really pleasant! It just kind of feels like my social battery can’t run out recently.
Unfortunately, a lot of this hanging out has been accompanied by alcohol so I drank a good bit last week. Gotta take a break on that. Just a small one though, maybe no more on weekdays or before noon.
Two of my friends and I were talking til like 1 or 2 am last night about what friends even are. It’s strange that such a universal experience of befriending someone has way different connotations depending on who you ask. To one friend, friends are people you hangout with, which makes sense to me. To the other, there are tiers of friends and just hanging out with people doesn’t automatically make them close friends. That makes sense to me, too. I talked a lot about what my own definition was, but I couldn’t really figure out what it was myself.
I don’t know why I have a difficulty and maybe even an aversion to describing people as friends. Or like, I don’t even know what that word means maybe. I think maybe, in my head, I know that hanging out with the same people all the time makes them friends, but also in my head, there’s this idea that friendships are necessarily very intimate relationships. But there’s also this feeling of dissonance there because I do count the people I’m hanging out with as friends even though some of those relationships aren’t the most intimate.
It makes me think back to the last few times I’ve had a “friend group” and what those activities looked like. In high school, we would always hangout on D’s porch and smoke and drink and trip on whatever and talk about anything. It was a very conversational friend group, we loved to chat, just sitting around a fire huddled up shooting the shit. And a lot of those conversations did get really personal. I think I’ve seen all of my best friends cry and they definitely have seen me cry. But it is unfair to measure other friendships against these, this was a very “found family” situation where we all came from some kind of broken household and were probably using each other as substitutes for some kind of emotional need, but that resulted in really strong friendships that have lasted for like 13 years and will probably continue in some capacity til we die. That’s nice.
My friend group in college was similar, in part because half of it was my high school friend group and the other half was like a friends of friends situation who eventually got roped into the dynamic. I dunno, it was a cultivated environment that was pretty equal parts support system and people to stay up late with.
Nowadays, I’m not really sure what’s happening. This would be the first time in my life where I’ve been kind of alone in a friend group, meaning I don’t have any past people to lean on or bring with me. I exist in a whole new social context without all of the backstory, which is kind of scary. I know who I am to my old friends, well I think I do, but I don’t really know how I present to the new folks.
Part of my hang-up, I think, is that I do view friendships as necessarily supportive and that a good friendship is mutually therapeutic when it needs to be. The issue is that I do have this one big situation going on and I really don’t like talking about it that much. More so, I don’t like being the guy who talks about it that much. I don’t want to be the guy who is dumping his emotions on everyone at all times. One, that’s cringe. Two, it’s less cringe if there’s some reciprocity, but I don’t think that’s a thing yet. There’s also the fact that I’m one of two dudes in this particular group and the other one never shows up, so I am always a little self-conscious about how I phrase things or what topics are acceptable to bring up. No one wants to be the creepy guy in a group of women, y’know. So, there’s some stuff here to think about, but at the end of the day, I’ve been having a lot of fun and I’m happy.
Still miss my ex, but whatever. I’ve got bigger fish to fry apparently, at least according to my therapist. ,It’s time to unpack my mother issues, as is every emotionally stunted man’s right Delightful, fantastic. I’ve had a feeling this is where everything would end up since that’s really the only part of my brain where thinking just doesn’t work. Hopefully this is the silver bullet for my attachment issues, but who’s to say.
jeez, louise 