Cringe post begets cringe title. I finally listened to that Billie Eilish album and it was pretty good.
I’ll give you the short life update. My ex and I spent a random weekend together out of nowhere, which led to us discussing our growth since the breakup and what we want and what the hell is going on. That period lasted about two weeks. It was really nice, but we both knew that it was irresponsible and wasn’t going to go anywhere. So on Thursday, I went over there and said we can’t talk anymore, like at all, full stop. Not because I hate her or whatever, but it’s just not good for us.
Specifically, we just have lots to work on as individuals, which doesn’t really work if we’re also juggling what the hell we were doing. And I just can’t be party to a situation where the other person doesn’t know what they want. For me, I didn’t know either I guess, but what would help me know was some commitment to figuring things out, which she was unable to give on account of all the stuff she has to deal with beforehand.
This might sound… apologetic? I don’t know. It’s a really, really sad situation when one person says “I want you in my life, but I don’t know if I want you as a partner, and we can only be in each other’s lives as partners.” You can’t do much with that. You can’t do much with not knowing. And in the case of not knowing, it’s better to just not participate at all. I can’t deal with that grey area between exes and friends and lovers, it’s too much.
And I don’t want to get in the way of whatever she’s got going on. If she’s in therapy and mostly talking about me, I don’t want that. There are much more pressing issues to deal with that aren’t me. And it’s the same with my own therapist, I’m sure Lucy is tired of hearing me talk about my women trouble when I have a fear of abandonment and failure that I should probably work out.
Emotionally, no idea how I’m doing. It’s impossible to know. All things considered, that was as good an ending as you can hope for. But there’s still that ache, and it’s only worse after two weeks of very intense and intentional emotional conversations, the ones we didn’t have for years. I’m just filled with what ifs. But there’s a dissonance there because at the end of the day, she doesn’t know what she wants and neither do I, and being together will never solve that problem. She seemed sad when I said we can’t talk again. God knows if I’ll even hold up my end of that bargain. But I need to because it’s pathetic not to.
This whole situation did contextualize how not long 5 months is in terms of a breakup. I go back and read old blog posts where I’m all over it, and I guess I was feeling that way that day, but I guess everything makes more sense now. I attribute this mostly to me upping my therapy to weekly, as that’s helped a lot.
Apparently, Jane is still the biggest thing in my life. Everything is related to her, she’s the measuring stick I put everything and everyone against, she still occupies most of my head, even if it’s not conscious half the time and that’s not pleasant to think about because that seems like it’ll take years to go away.
It’s a complicated situation with complicated feelings. I suppose five years and an engagement does that. It’s hard to rectify the fact that the person you thought was the love of your life did you wrong and doesn’t know if they want you anymore. It’s hard to rectify that you don’t know if you can even want them anymore, either. I mean, I do, but it’s in such a weird way, it doesn’t feel grounded in reality. Part of my heart still feels like she is inevitable for me, but I suppose that’s how everyone feels. The other parts, the rational ones, understand that this breakup will continue to be messy and hurtful until I jettison myself across the country.
Idk man. I’m so behind on schoolwork because I spend all of my time writing stupid shit on this blog or in my notes app and when I get a writing assignment, I just don’t have the energy. Sorry for the diary posting.
jeez, louise 