Language is a wonderful, or perhaps nauseating, aspect of living. It’s trite, but the tiny ripples of air that hit my ears have done much more damage to me than any amount of falls or scrapes or bruises or whatever. Just little, itty bitty waves.
My ex and I spoke Friday, I believe. It was later, I guess I emailed her out of nowhere because of the lonely/bored despair that came with isolation. Well, she emailed back, saying she missed me a lot, too, and that she had written something for me. So, I texted her and told her to send it to me and asked if she wanted to talk on the phone. She accepted for God knows what reason, and so we talked on the phone for like an hour and a half.
It’s nice to catch up, I guess. I don’t know how I feel. What she sent me, the note thing, was very apologetic, but also more forward-facing about her life. She was reflective in a way she had never been with me, really getting into her own issues and shit. Said she hopes we meet again in the future and can try again, says that it’ll never happen. Don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about.
See, what I’m feeling, it’s hard to explain. I was doing okay-ish with the no contact. Of course, I miss her, but that had transformed into a very wistful feeling and not really a passionate pining or whatever it had used to be. I was happy without her in my life, her sitting in the rearview slowly getting smaller and smaller. Or was I? Was I deluding myself into thinking I was over it?
And I have no one to talk to about it. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. All my words are mud, all my thoughts are swirling, just impressions of fully formed thoughts somewhere within the grey. If I pick out emotions, I miss her again, I’m angry with her, I’m confused by her, I’m ashamed at what this has done to my momentary progress. Or has it really done anything? I don’t know, I don’t know.
All I know is that her words are sticky in my head and replacing every single one of my own. What the hell is that. I don’t even think I want her back, I’m almost positive I don’t. Then why am I so affected? I don’t know.
jeez, louise 