Why do I show up to my internship if they have nothing for me to do this week. I’m just sitting back here in the corner of an empty room rap-tap-tapping away on Crosswords and shit, thinking about how boredom can only be enjoyed if it isn’t thrust upon you. I was pleasantly bored last night. I got back from class at around 8:00 p.m., ate my little leftovers dinner, and then just sort of laid there. What was so nice about it was I had tons of things I could do, but nothing I had to do. Dishes were done, litter was done, clothes were folded, task list all checked off. That’s a new feeling for me, generally – I’ve always been big on procrastinating necessary things. I’m very used to having this air of like, anxious shame hanging around me, knowing that I have things to do and I’m not doing them. Well, I’m doing them now, and that’s cleaned the mental atmosphere a bit, resulting in a newfound appreciation for boredom.
What else is going on with me. I saw my ex last week while I was walking to class, which resulted in a whole slew of new reactions, namely nausea. I didn’t feel a pang in my heart, no overwhelming sadness or longing, just a twisted stomach and that awful and involuntary half-vomit half-hiccup thing that happens sometimes. If I had to liken it to any emotion, it would be fear, I think. I don’t really know what the deal is with that, nor do I know what feelings I even have towards her at this point. It’s not like I want nothing to do with her, but I think I’ve finally digested the fact that she kind of sucks and I’m way happier without her. There’s a little bit of shame here, having negative feelings towards someone you really cared about for half a decade. It feels kind of spiteful, even if I know that’s not the reason I’m thinking these thoughts. But I don’t know, looking at my life qualitatively, I’m very happy with how things turned out. I thought the breakup would be the end of my life and my future and such a huge setback, but y’know, life is really fun right now, more fun than it’s been in years. I’ve got friends I really care about, I see my coworkers socially decently often, I’m in better shape, I have better habits, I don’t think about killing myself every day, I sleep better. That looming anxiety of marrying someone I was doubtful of left my blood and I just feel pretty stoked.
I mean, still, I changed my internship schedule so there’s no risk of me seeing her again. I have no interest in that.
Umm, what else. I go to Seattle on Friday, that’ll be fun. School is shaping up to be annoying but doable. The internship thus far has been a complete waste of time, which, if you really think about it, is the only truly finite thing you have in your life. I’ll never get these four hours back today – I could’ve spent those on my couch being bored. But it’ll get better soon, there’s just no conduct to do at this time since the semester started. If I was smart, I’d flex my intern hours tomorrow to next week and try to enjoy one more day with my pals before I become a footnote in another Boeing malfunction article. Maybe I’ll do that.
jeez, louise 