It’s been hard to write anything recently. If you’re reading this, you obviously know that I’ve put this whole bitch on lockdown. I did this specifically because I was sort of obsessively checking the stats for the site – I could tell when my ex was reading it and knowing that she was still interested in hearing my thoughts made me feel good. Hopeful, I guess. But I suppose I realized, through conversations with friends and through not ignoring myself, that doing so was very, very bad for me. I’m not sure if privating everything is necessarily better, but it’s something.
I’ve also been busy with work. We’ve been in training for like two weeks and now it’s move-in, and fuck me, there are problems everyday. I’m exhausted. During training, I was doing emotional counseling for like, 4 different people, on top of helping my coworkers with their scheduling, on top of doing the keys for my area, on top of my already sufficient pile of emotional bullshit. I’m tired. My thoughts tend towards my self-harm tendencies more and more recently, I guess as a respite from this encroaching exhaustion. I’m socially drained, I can’t sleep for more than like four hours, and all I really want to do is drink and lay down in the sun somewhere. I want to feel the heat on my skin and the dirt on my back – I want to slowly sink into the soil and decompose and grow into something with less responsibility. I want to get drunk. I want to get a tattoo. I want to get a nose piercing. I want to fuck a stranger. I want to fall in love again. I want to not be me right now.
At the end of the day, I just have to deal with it, which for me means ignoring all of this until it either dissolves or sublimates into something more productive. The only thing stupider than helplessly pining over someone who fucked you over is doing a whole bunch of shit to spite them. How much value should you really give to a person like that, how much sway? Sure, it’s fine for people to be your motivators, but there has to be some reciprocity, I think.
I don’t know. I’ve gotten drunk a lot this week and been very social and it’s been okay, I’ve made some good memories and deepened my relationships with people I’d known for a while. But I guess on nights like this, when all I really want to do is get drunk and find a plot of grass where I can lay undisturbed and cry, everything rings kind of hollow. I really wish I was a person who could have fun and not think too deeply about why I’m trying to do so, how underlying all of my current behaviors is the breakup. How do you separate that? Can you?
I had a long talk with a friend about my fear of people and my disgust with myself, which is all linked to the fact that I cannot separate my underlying motivations from the actions that come from them. No matter what I do, I’m trapped in this idea that it’s all tainted by motivation. I don’t know. It’s sort of miserable.
But what can you do? You either keep going or you kill yourself. I’m still not too interested in that option, so I suppose I’ll just continue chugging along. At some point, I’ll try to work on giving myself more grace for this dissonance between action and motivation, but for the time being, I really just want to sleep for a while.
jeez, louise 