In lieu of lengthy explanation, I’ll just say my ex admitted to emotionally cheating on me at the end of the relationship and that that was the motivating factor behind the breakup, not all the other stuff I had been sort of agonizing over. I had suspicions before she said anything and basically assumed it to be the case, but confirmation is another beast altogether. Before, I could convince myself I was being uncharitable to her with my theories and chalk it up to explanatory delusions. Now, I have to grapple with the truth of it all, which ranges between unpleasant to skull-fucking depending on the hour. So, that’s where I’m at. Sort of? I don’t know. The wild swings of rage and acceptance and pity and regret are brutal, but at least it’s a new emotional range to experience. I’m not an angry person, not really. I suppose I simmer most days, but currently I can’t stop myself from spilling over. It’s certainly novel if nothing else.
So, how is this impacting me? My initial reactions I think were the typical ones – my ego was beat to shit, all my memories of her turned to mud, I wanted to scream at her and make her feel ashamed, I wanted to reclaim something, though I don’t know what. Maybe pride? But now, I don’t know, I’m simmering again. My head is a little clearer. If nothing else, what this did for me is at least cut off any want of rekindling, which has been a blessing. There was this undercurrent of a future with her lurking for the past three months and it was dragging and pulling me around with it. It colored a lot of the things I did, a lot of the things I thought were dysfunctional about myself, it was still a foundational part of my motivation. Now that that’s gone, it’s sort of freeing. Living for the sake of myself and all that, doing what I want to do and not caring so much about how it will impact this imaginary future with someone.
So, my life is in a bull market. Invest now! Buy! Buy! Buy! What I mean is, this new information so graciously provided to me really helped me contextualize myself. I’ve always been terrified that I’m a narcissist or that there is something very deeply wrong with me, that I’m lying to everyone at all times with who I present to be. I mean, you’ve read my posts, I agonize over pretty much every perceived fault within me. I thought that this agonizing was indicative of there being a very real problem with myself, why else would I constantly think about every way I don’t measure up? This might sound a little fucked up, but my ex’s letter to me very much put into perspective that I could be much, much worse off. One of my first reactions reading it was “Fuck, am I glad I’m not like this”, which sort of made me pause. I thought I was one of the most fucked up people mentally that I know, but there was a very alarming (and guilt-laden) sense of relief when I realized “Oh, this is what someone who actually has these problems sounds like.” God, writing this feels so shitty. I don’t really want to talk about someone else like this. But it’s my blog so I’ll focus on me. The revelation that maybe I’m more normal than I thought and my major defect is actually the sheer amount I convince myself that I’m not, hey, that’s a pretty good feeling. For the past, I don’t know, forever, I’ve just felt like a shitty person – now, I don’t. Certainly, I do things that are bad, I think bad thoughts, I can be cruel and callous and pompous, I’m not Jesus Christ. I had this identity that I was a terrible, self-important person, but I think I took all of my faults and created this hideous amalgam with them. I was a shitty person because I did shitty things sometimes, not a normal person who does shitty things sometimes. And all the things I thought I was really deficient at, especially in a relationship, well they just don’t feel as dire as they used to. To use a bad metaphor, I was a faucet, pouring and pouring and being upset with myself that the pitcher I’m supposed to be pouring into wasn’t filling up at all. Now, I realize that I was pouring into a colander or some shit. Not to absolve myself of every wrongdoing or error or mistake or bad habit I had in the relationship, certainly there is always room to grow and improve and I know for a fact I wasn’t as good of a partner as I could have been, but I guess a little bit of weight has shifted off of me. I feel a lot lighter.
What about love? I think I’ll be scared of being cheated on forever, as if I wasn’t before. It happened pretty much the same way in my previous relationship, which is not great for future prospects. I’m going to take a long break from anything romantic, go to therapy, try to sort myself out that way before I drag anyone into that. It’s hard to not take your issues and project them onto whomever and I certainly don’t want to go into my next relationship being immediately distrustful of them. You can’t love that way. I’m really scared that this whole situation is going to forever impact the way I view romantic relationships and partnership and honesty and all that bullshit. But I’m also kind of hopeful? Or at least, I’ve got dueling perspectives here.
I don’t regret trusting someone, even if they broke it. How else are you supposed to live? There’s this high-wire act with trust and giving people the benefit of the doubt – too much grace will get you taken advantage of, too little and you’ll never really know or love anyone for your whole life. Looking at it that way, I’d rather err on the side of too much. I mean, so what if I get hurt? At least I tried to meet you there, I tried my best to be who I wanted to be. I want to be a person who can love openly and wholly and without caution, I want to be a person who gives without expecting anything back because that’s what feels right and pleasant. I don’t want to be a guarded person, I don’t want to be suspicious of everyone’s intentions and motives and whether they’re putting one over on me. My perspective is if they do take advantage of that, of me, that’s, y’know, their fault. They can take that up with themselves and God – but I’m not going to act any differently because of that. Take advantage of me! Make me look like an idiot! Who cares man, at the end of the day, I did what I wanted to do and I felt good doing it. You can’t be too focused on the consequences of every action you take, you’ll never do a single thing if that’s the case. For me, I think I’m going to keep just trusting and trying to love people because that just feels like the right way to live.
So, I don’t know my feelings about this whole cheating situation. I think I’m in a better spot after knowing, at least mentally. I mean, you never know what new issues will crop up, or if this is just me coping with the first absence of anger within me in a week. Regarding her, I don’t know, depends on how charitable I want to be. She could be a certified capital-N narcissist, she could just be a regular person who never learned how to deal with her past and impulse control. I don’t know. I just want her to get help and learn to be someone she can love. I want her to be able to feel full of love and happiness. Everyone deserves that.
At the end of the day, I’m a romantic and I’m a moron. I don’t think there exists a greater purpose in life than loving as much as you can. I don’t think I can do that by having trust issues or being doubtful of others, so, y’know, I just won’t do those. Easy peasy.
jeez, louise 