Sorry I haven’t written in a while- I’ve been busy picking at scabs, as it were.
A small life update to begin: I am no longer anxious inside the gym and am getting pretty decent results from the usual routines. I never thought I’d be that guy, but I sort of understand the obsession with how you look after working out. It’s nice, honestly, makes me feel… I don’t know, pride is one thing, vanity is another, but I suppose I just feel good when I see the progress I made. Another thing is that I am focusing heavily on getting a rhythm in place, specifically exercise and diet wise. For the past, I don’t know, two months, I’ve mostly been working out randomly- I mean I do it every day in some form, but there was no structure to it. Some days I’d go insane and run in the morning, gym at lunch, walk in the afternoon, and body weight exercises at night, some days I’d just walk and row, some days I’d just gym, etc. While I am proud that I’ve been consistent with doing something every day, it’s about at the point where I need to be more regimented in things if I want to hit some of my goals this year. My class ends this week, too (not that I’ve had to do anything for it at all), so it seems like a good time to get a routine going. First order of business is to quit vaping, which is on the books to happen before July. By July 1st, I will not be vaping, that’s the goal. Second order of business is to arrange my workout schedule to include four mornings of running, three nights of rowing, two arm/back days, a leg day, a rest day, and as many walks as I need to remain sane. The third order of business follows from this, which is I need to eat better/more regularly in order to support this amount of work. Many days I go to the gym or run in the morning without having eaten in like 12 hours, which definitely is no good. So, goal number 3 is to start eating breakfast and thus, I have been investigating overnight oats.
This is all in service of a couple things. One, I don’t really want my body to crumble around 40 because I’ve been sedentary my whole life, two, it’s kind of cringe to eat the way I do when you’re pushing 30, three, it’s something to do, and four, it feels pretty good. Just to have little goals to move towards, I guess, and the emotional payoff when you will yourself out of bed to do something you don’t want to do. So, that’s the general movement right now in the frontal lobe.
So, it’s no secret I haven’t been writing much. That’s my bad. Again, related to scabs. Writing was something I wanted to do, but it also was a way for me to sublimate my more emotional and irrational behaviors into something semi-productive. This is basically public journaling. Recently, I had been feeling sort of healthy emotionally and with that came a decrease in what I was compelled to write about. Well, the thing about scabs is even if the wound isn’t open anymore, you can’t really fuck with that or it’ll just start again. I’m sort of stupid that way- picking at them is fun. So I did and now we’re back here. Though I still feel fine emotionally, which is unexpected but pretty good. I think this is because I actually learned something in the picking. My typical self doesn’t mind being hurt too much and can suffer through lots of things if he thinks there’s a point or if he thinks it’s worth it. I suppose now, I’ve realized I should value my feelings and myself a little more than that. I think this was the first time in my life that I ever willfully did something I didn’t want to do because I knew that I was hurting myself emotionally. Typically, I just sort of stifle all of that and hope I come out the other side feeling a bit better. But I didn’t and I’m very proud of that.
I think this all comes from the potentially unhealthy amount of introspection I’ve done via all of this writing, really putting names to all of my bad habits, my image issues, my perceptions of people, my passions, my drives, my goals. I used to ruminate without purpose and all that did was spiral me further into my own neuroses. So writing has been really good for focusing myself on the minutiae swirling in my head and making sense of it all.
The point is, I’m very very proud of myself recently. And I’ve never been proud of myself, never had any reason to be. Today, though, this week, these past couple months, I’m happy with myself and proud of what I’ve been doing. It’s a new feeling and it’s nice. I hope I’ll write again soon, I have tentative Saturday plans to babysit two friends so that should be fun, maybe some insight will come out of that. If not, it should still be a wonderful day. Sunday is laundry and cleaning day, but if I knock that out early enough in the morning, maybe I can take a little drunk walk to the park again. Who knows?
jeez, louise 