I’ve realized that a lot of my posts are very, umm, self-critical/self-important. I think that’s due to A) my personality but also B) the time at which I write, which is at night around like 11:00 p.m. I’m not the most positive person when the sun is gone. So, I figured I’d hop on this morning when my spirits are a little more cheery.
I’m very proud of myself this morning. I know in my last post I said that new behaviors or habits can’t really change my underlying insecurities, but I hope you didn’t interpret that as me saying there’s no point to doing them. I’m still doing my stuff. On one hand, yes, you cannot transform into a new person in order to start loving yourself, that’s crazy talk and just seems like running from the problem. However, you also can’t just make peace with the person you are, faults and all. That’s just complacency. So, we take the middle path of changing what you want to and making peace with the things you have to. But again, I did okay this morning. I woke up from a really weird nightmare- it was like some dark, smoky place and the clown from IT was there but I was the clown or maybe he was chasing me, I have no idea, it’s impossible to recall dreams this far removed from them. Regardless, it sucked and I woke up all sweaty at like 7:00 a.m. I haven’t run in a few days, mostly opting to go on walks in the afternoon and then hit the rowing machine/do body weight exercises at night, but I’ve been telling myself I should go out and run more, especially because the 5K is a pretty big goal for me this summer. The nightmare certainly didn’t help my motivation, but I got up and did it anyways and that’s what I’m proud of. See, I’ve always been a person that whenever a thought enters my mind, specifically one about “you should skip class” or “you should bail on that person”, I will typically do so. The thought is too intoxicating, the idea of suddenly not having anything to do is fantastic. But that’s the aforementioned parts of me I don’t particularly want to make peace with, so we’re making every effort to change it.
Like I said, I got up and ran this morning. Not a ton, I got to the park roughly 15 minutes after I woke up, so I was still groggy and my legs were just…ill-fitting. But we did it, got the heartrate up, listened to upbeat pop music from the 2000s. I love going to the park early- the same people are always there. There’s a younger couple at the dog park, presumably tiring out their critters before going to work, there’s an old lady who is usually powerwalking on the gravel trails, and my absolute favorite feature is the elderly couple in the gazebo who do Pilates or yoga or some weird form of stretching. I’ve never actually seen them walking, just preparing to. But they’re sweet and fun to watch- they laugh a lot. This is the usual roster, which means a lot of the park is empty, which is a good thing for me because I have a really bad habit of singing or humming while I run- it’s embarrassing. I also have a bad habit of being out of shape, which is also embarrassing. So, when I get a whole stretch to myself, I get to be loud with my voice and my breathing and free from the perceptions of those whom I would probably be bothering.
Afterwards, I got breakfast and came home and cleaned up a little bit. I sort of want to have a couple beers before lunch (I don’t work til 2:00 so it’s okay). I don’t know, it’s just the vibe today. When the sun is out, I really do love being alive. Sure, I’ve got my issues but who doesn’t, I think I’m too tough on myself about a lot of them. I mean, it’s a good thing I can identify them, you can’t work through things if you don’t know what they are, but I might internalize the implications a little too much. At the end of the day, I’m a normal person, equally fucked up as everyone else, which is a very comforting feeling to have. I have my insecurities, my attachment issues, my malaise and ennui, but I also have a general overflowing love for being in the world with everyone else. It really is a blessing to not be alone. That’s new for me and I’m grateful for it. Have a happy Thursday everyone.
jeez, louise 