You know that feeling you have when you trip going up stairs and people see you? It’s like embarrassment or shame or whatever, but it’s a little more self-conscious than that? Almost like you committed a faux pas, someone just honked at you at the stoplight. I feel like that today. I’m not sure why I feel this way to be honest. I suppose I was due for a bad day, the last few have been pretty good and active. Though I will say, dear reader, even my good days have the underpinning that something is not exactly right. The closest feeling I can approximate for my good days is that feeling of shirking responsibility, like there’s something I should be doing instead of what I have been doing. Especially my walks, I enjoy them a lot, but there’s some strange rumbling in my subconscious that’s telling me that things aren’t right. Today, I guess that notion bubbled out of the ether and into the foreground of my mind because I just can’t shake the feeling. It’s uncomfortable, it’s hostile, it’s panicky. I just want to hide, though not from anyone or anything in particular. When you can’t really put a finger on the cause of your anxiety, it really does throw the whole day off.
That being said, I’ve been productive and cleaned and done laundry which I’m just now remembering I left in the dryer. I tried to deep-clean my kitty litter closet with vinegar, but I fucked that up and now everything smells like pickles. All the same, the apartment is looking great, though there’s no feeling accompanying that fact on account of the dread suppressing everything else. Where’s my emotional payoff, that’s like the whole point. There are quiet rumblings of a storm outside, which is unfortune because I was really banking on running in the evening to try to ameliorate my mood. Maybe I’ll do it anyways. It’s just one of those days where I can’t let myself think or I’ll spiral- I’d much prefer getting sweaty and drenched than being stuck in here for the rest of the day.
I think part of the fear is that who I am now is who I’ll always be and doing more things and having healthier habits can’t change what’s underneath. That scares me a good bit.
I don’t know, I’ll come back tonight and let you know if morale has improved.
It’s storming hard and my mood has only became worse. Laundry is all folded and put away, though. I haven’t eaten today, but that can wait for tomorrow. I’m just going to get in bed I think. Sorry, ttyl
Never mind, I told myself to stop being an emo dweeb and ate something. Bad mood is no excuse to not do stuff.
I went on a walk, got the humors out. No longer do I want to put my head under a tire. We’re back. Tomorrow, I think I’ll write something actually valuable instead of this stream-of-consciousness drivel. I think I’ll finally do that one I’ve been thinking on about novelty or maybe something about expectations. I don’t know yet.
jeez, louise 