My knees are back and my back is…fine. It hurts some but we’re at around 85% of the way to feeling good. We take it. I was able to run yesterday and today with no pain which is a huge plus, Underground Man arc is over.
Well, I say that. It’s not completely the case.
I am quite an impulsive person. I am also quite an emotional person. This combination can turn me into a cornered animal, lashing out at whatever is closest. It’s not a part of myself I like very much nor do I think about it often. I remember once when I was younger, a friend accused me of being “too rational”. He meant this as advice, I guess, or as an admonishment. His chief concern was that I was too disconnected from the world and myself. I guess I was back then. But internally, I’ve always been very reactive, acting off of base impulses. I’m pretty sure I was a biter as a kid and if given the opportunity, would probably be a biter now.
All of this is to say, my biting reflexes kicked in yesterday. I’m trying to be vague about the situation, which isn’t good for you, but it helps me preserve some form of dignity in all of this. All you need to know is I jumped to conclusions and behaved like a lunatic.
I knew, at the time, what I was saying was only debasing myself. But I didn’t care, what more can you expect from a wounded animal than to writhe and claw and scream? I’m simply acting according to nature, which in my mind, absolves me of any criticism of being manic or insane. I mean, it doesn’t, but it did at the time. Part of me relished in being ignoble, in being irrational and cruel. What else is there to be?
Of course, this is all the result of adrenaline and as soon as the high subsided, I was left feeling shameful, embarrassed that I again gave into emotional depravity. I think the shame is a worse feeling than what I had initially, but I can’t really bite myself to deal with it, at least, it’s not my style to do so. There’s probably something here about resentiment, but I don’t have the bandwidth. Nonetheless, the shame had engulfed me and I wondered if pawn shops would let you trade a ring for a gun or if taking a whole bottle of muscle relaxers could conk me out for a bit. Now, I’m no stranger to this kind of self-important thinking and I know that it always comes from a place of “woe-is-me” and not from a genuine desire to do the big log out. So, don’t worry, I’m not planning on doing anything rash. It’s just a comfort place my brain goes to when I’m overwhelmed by loss of control. I guess you can bite yourself in this way, but again, it’s not my style. So, I did what I’ve been doing for the past month and attempted to sublimate the rage and shame and anguish into something productive. I went to the park and ran. Once I was good and tired out and satisfied, the shame hit in full force. All of the above could have been avoided if I just took a beat and got my energy out before clawing at people. Well, this needed to be sublimated too, so then I cleaned my apartment- moved furniture, dusted, swept, mopped, reorganized, went to the store, got new plugins, etc. I did this for about five hours, just zoning out and working on cleaning up my environment. It’s nice when you can look at productivity.
So, in essence, I had a bad day yesterday. I blame my back and knees for not letting me excise my bad humors with sweat and sun, but I know that I need to develop ways to curb my impulsivity that don’t rely on getting too tired to do anything. Today was a good day, coming home with sore legs to a clean home. But I think I realized yesterday that, to quote Faust, and apparently the Hannibal TV show,
“Two souls, alas, are dwelling in my breast, and one is striving to forsake its brother”
I mean, I’ve talked about this a bit. Ironic detachment vs. desire for sincerity, vanity vs. self-esteem. I think those might derive from this main one, I’m an adult, or try to be, but within me is a child perpetually throwing a tantrum, begging to be looked at and comforted. They are irreconcilable with each other- perhaps I only am the child and the adult is a persona to fool the perceptions of others. Or maybe I’m the adult and the child is just base, biological nature. Maybe I’m just a human and this is how we all are. I don’t know. I wish I knew the defects of others as well as I knew my own, there I could find comfort.
Well, I’ll work on it. No matter if it’s a personal flaw or innate in every person who ever lived, being petulant is annoying to me.
jeez, louise 